Jacqueline Bass

Tell Us Your Story

By 2004 I was well on my way to becoming a woman with far too many cats and not enough slinky dating shoes. I had reached a point in my life where I had become certain that I was never going to be married and happy. I had never met anybody who really got me and understood me AND was also attracted to me. In January of that year I got a terrible kidney infection and my activities were limited to lying down and sitting up at the computer.

Out of boredom and the need to be mentally entertained I decided to write a yahoo personals ad. The Title of the ad was "Lemons Don't Make Good Flotation Devices" and was a five page relating of my Devil-May-Care attitude and love for motorcycles and backpacks and the creation of impromptu sculptures made out of white bread on the living room coffee table.

 

Then I came across the ad that changed everything. Truthfully I didn't fully read it. If I had read it I never would have written to him because he specified that he wanted to date someone who didn't want kids and it wasn't particularly funny or interesting. But the picture, wow, the picture. He had red hair and I love red hair. I thought he was gorgeous and I knew it was wrong to answer the ad because he was not in my league and wasn't going to be interested in me. But the title of the ad was "As you wish" from the The Princess Bride. The Princess Bride was one of my all time favorite movies. It had also, I was quite sure, contributed to my inability to realistically find a suitable companion. I was always looking for a Wesley.

So I wrote to him:
Greetings Earthling, My name is Jacqueline. I have decided first emails are worse than first dates. Down with all first emails! That's the first thing to go after the revolution. Anyway, I'm just this weird chic who lives in the valley. I have a degree in English, almost finished a degree in Art, was working on a Masters in something else but recently dropped out to write a book and homeschool my kids. I am 35 like you and I have three kids! Three kids, good grief! It always freaks me out when I say it. If you run now, I don't blame you. Actually the oldest one is off on her own now. She's 18. Eek, now I really feel old. Then I have a 12 year old (who swears I am absolutely ruining her life because I'm too traditional (I know, is she serious? Me, traditional?) and an 8 year old who is the light of my life. All girls unfortunately. If I had known they'd be so beautiful I'd have spent more time at the shooting range. Thank you for being a geek. I think that's really hot personally. I know a few people who have had the by-pass surgery. My sister-in-law just had it last year as a matter of fact. Everytime she sees me she tries to convince me. I've never agreed to do it though because my make-up would put me at risk for cardiac arrest after the surgery. I'm glad that it went well for you though. Some people seem to be a lot happier afterwards. I'm sending you a few pictures of my artwork, because I'll show anybody I can manage to stop in the street. Email me if I haven't scared you off or you can call me at your convenience. Jacqueline Moreno-Garcia.

Despite the insanity he actually wrote me back:
Jacqueline, Okay, first things first, how did you know I was from Earth?? What gave me away? Second let me just point out that you have the coolest name, ever! Truthfully that's the name of a foreign exchange student I fell madly in love with my senior year in High School. It was tragic, though, because I didn't admit how I felt about her until the day she left for Luxembourg. That's when she admitted that she felt the same but knew it would never work because we couldn't leave our home countries. Then the orchestra music reached a raging crescendo, waves crashed on the beach, the blood red sun broke through the clouds, and somewhere in the distance a mountain lion hacked up a massive hairball. First emails, evil, got it. Soccer moms, scourge of the Earth, unholy and deceptive contagion that must be eradicated. Check. Viva la revolucion! Did you say kids? As in more than one but less than a crowd? Well, that's just fine. I think I need to be serious for just a moment. Jacqueline, you're an educated, single mother of three beautiful girls and dedicated to doing what's best for them. That's something to be extremely proud of, not ashamed of. If a man doesn't find that admirable AND attractive then, I'm sorry, but there's something wrong with him, not you. Needless to say I don'tt have much respect for my testosterone crazed brethren who have given the male gender a bad rap. Sometimes I feel like I spend most of my time, when I first meet a woman, just trying to exorcise the ghosts of boyfriend's past. Geek=Hot. Therefore, Night=Day, Black=White, Up=Down..yeah its the beginning of Armageddon.Well, the bypass was my only option left. My weight was definitely killing me so the risks were worth it. I'm definitely glad that I did it and I'd do it again in a heartbeat. I do miss being able to eat normally, sometimes, but then I remember that I can buy clothes at the discount clothing places and I'm the cheapest date in the world. So life without all the food isn't so bad... I LOVE the artwork. You're very talented, no doubt about that. I would love to see and experience more. I'm sure that your art is very important to you and you get a lot of praise because of it, but its not who you are. Thats who I'm interested in getting to know more about. Were you trying to scare me off? If so, I'm not sure that it worked. In fact, I think it may have backfired on you. I'd like to call you tonight, if is not too much trouble. Until then, m'lady, take care. Jodie Bass.

I sent him my phone number and he did call me. Within five minutes I had the conviction that he was the nicest guy I had ever met and that I could never ever talk to him again. My style with people was mainly to be blunt with my feelings and opinions. Growing up with an Irish father and a Mexican mother gave me far too much passion for every idea that popped into my head and a flashpoint temper that was constantly burning bridges between me and the rest of humanity. I was a loner, not by choice, but because I was a pain in the ass.

Jodie, on the other hand was kind, loving, and polite. Unfortunately, he also reminded me of other men that I had been with who couldn't handle my personality and who wound up in the end being emotionally devastated. I liked him so much. He wasn't just smart and funny, he was brilliant and quick. It'd never work. I knew it instantly. It took him a month to convince me to meet him. I changed my mind five or six times and would tell him it wasn't going to work out and that I wasn't going to speak to him anymore.

But finally one Wednesday night I weakened and let him drive out an hour and a half to see me. By the end of the evening we were in love. I knew we would be together for the rest of our lives. Two years later to the day we first spoke we got married. We have been married four years now. I'm so glad I was wrong. I do still have a lot of cats though.